Natural Laws

Self-enforcing life rules…..

1. Law of Mechanical Repair   – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3. Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

5. Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

6. Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

7. Law of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

8. Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, IT WILL!!!

9. Law of Biomechanics   – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10. Law of the Theatre  – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

13. Law of Physical Surfaces – The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

14. Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible IF you don’t know what you are talking about.

15. Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.

16. Law of Public Speaking — A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy   – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

18. Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor. By the time you get there, you’ll feel better. But don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.

Dennis Miller sent the above humor contribution to this blog.